How we make the Holidays Hard (part 1)

Christmas is in just 2 short weeks.  You can be sad, you can choose Joy, or you can choose both…Me, I’m choosing both!   

You heard me right – I’ll take both. Why? Well let’s face it, I know upfront going in there is no way I’m getting through the holidays without feeling sad, anxious, lonely etc. at some point. I’m going to think “I wish he was here” or “I miss him so much” or “He loved the Christmas Story movie, I miss watching him watch it”.  So, knowing that going in, I have made the decision to be OK with sad, lonely, anxious etc.

It’s taken me a lot of work on me to get there, but it had to start somewhere and if your ready I’ll do my best over the next 2 weeks to help you as well.  I’m going to start below with 2 steps to processing feelings, I picked Sad as my example in this blog.  I’ll post a short blog every day next week on a topic to help you choose joy in the holidays. Be sure to subscribe with your email so I can send them to you next week – free.  But let’s get started right now.

Today’s topic is about feelings - I picked the feeling of SAD – I am 100% confident every widow or person with Grief knows this feeling of sad intimately.

 What is Sad?

* Sad doesn’t just exist out in the world, it’s not a condition.  You are not a person with sad – you are person who feels sad when you think a thought that triggers the emotion or feeling of sad.

*Sad is not good or bad, it's not a problem.  It only becomes good or bad when we judge it or let someone else’s judgment of it make us question it. 

*Sad is an emotion in your body that comes from a thought. I expect to feel sad when I think – I miss him so much. Not only do I expect it, but I want to feel sad. I sure don't want to feel glad about that – right?   

What is it you think about sad as an emotion? Does it scare you to feel sad? Do you resist it, push it away, pretend it’s not there (put on the happy mask), cover your tears or do your best to hold them back 'til you feel like your throat is strangled (I’ve done this myself and had others tell me they do this).    Be honest, do you do these things too? 

Why do we do that? I think for some of us,  we are making sad mean bad, or scary or embarrassing or judging it and ourselves for feeling it.  Or maybe we think others are judging us if we are sad or we think others will think we aren’t doing well if we show sad. 

Here’s the key…STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! 

TODAY’S WORK:   1^st Step: Ask yourself these question about what Sad is to you.

Shouldn’t I feel sad about losing my loved one?

Is it ok to feel sad?         

Do I want to feel sad?

Is sad bad?

Do I choose Sad?

After, each answer, then ask Why? Example: is it ok to feel sad? – yes…why? Because I chose it, I want to miss him. 

Next, decide right now if sad is a feeling you want to keep – for me it’s yes. It may be a no for you and that’s ok.  Don't confuse what you would choose with what you think you can do though.  For purposes of this teaching, I am assuming you’re here because you want different than what now looks like.  If yes, continue on with me. 

1st step (check) – Learn about sad and choose it. 

2^nd step – Learn to  Respond to feeling sad vs Reacting to it. 

In high emotional states, like grief, we generally are just reacting to the moment.  We react to our feelings like sad and not usually in a great way or a way that benefits us, which is why we run from it or resist it.  Now that you know it’s not a bad thing and have decided it’s ok to feel it and that you want it, sometimes, then we don’t have to be afraid of it or judge it. We can do the work and decide right now how we want to respond when this feeling arises.  Let’s embrace it by getting to know more about it in your next step work. 

Today's Work: 2nd Step:  Answer these questions on paper or in your body.

Where in your body do you feel sadness?  

Next, Describe it (like your describing it to an alien that has no idea what it is). What does sad feel like to you? Is it hard, soft, solid, moving, stationary, does it have a color, etc.

Talk to yourself and your body when you do this, and say "this is sadness, it’s ok to have it, I chose it, I understand sadness and know why it’s here and I’m ok with it, I can do "sad". Keep doing this till it degrades on intensity scale and keep doing this every time it arises (don’t push it or resist it – open your body and embrace it, get curious with it) and do it on purpose (like create that feeling on purpose).  The more you get to know it, the better you are at responding vs reacting.

2nd step (check) – learn to respond vs react or resist feeling of sad.   

As you become more willing to accept the feeling of sad (replace sad with whatever you are feeling because all feelings are ok) you just have to get curious about them all and decide if they serve you and you want to keep or throw them away (that's work for another day).  You can start work on new thoughts right now.  Maybe some believable thoughts might be  “I am going to enjoy the holidays. I'm sure I'll feel sad at some points, but I’ve got sad covered. Or This holiday I can feel joy and sad at same time" – how powerful is that!

It takes work, don't get me wrong. I do this work daily. If you would like me to work along with you so that you can learn the tools that will help you Choose Joy in your daily life - whether it be your relationships, grief, work, time management, weight loss, wherever in your life it may be that you want to produce different results - reach out to me on my website https://www.pamstoddard.com/ and sign up for your free one to one mini session!

In the meantime - pick your new thought for the holidays and practice it, starting right now and join me every day next week.  Don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss anything.   

P.S. I can help you.