Should I put up the Christmas Tree or decorate?

Hi – Welcome to Blog!

I’m Pam Stoddard – Certified Life Coach AND fellow Widow. I’m glad you are here today.

Our topic today is Put Tree up or not? Decorate or Not?  My answer – who cares. 

What does a tree or no tree mean about you anyway?   It doesn’t mean anything – it does not matter. 

There is no right or wrong. No rule anywhere that says you must put up a tree or decorate or attend any gathering or party (well there are some covid guidelines this year, but we are not talking about covid rules, just our grief).

More important it doesn’t mean anything about where you are in your grief. Trees and decorations are not a grading scale.  There is no grief grading scale or even stages of grief. You don’t get a B or an A or a F for decorating. I put my tree up and decorated the interior of my house because I love it. I love it so much, I put it up early this year (lights only).  The lights are so calming to me.  Does that mean I’m doing better in my grief than you are …um NO it does not mean anything of the sort. It means, I put up a tree and decorated and it feels good to ME. 

Decorating or not decorating, tree or no tree is simply that, A decision you made. Unless, you are not comfortable with that decision or your judging yourself for it. Maybe you’re doing the “shoulda” shuffle. I should want to decorate, I shoulda put the tree up.  Stop the Shoulda shuffle because it doesn’t exist. What exist is what you did or didn’t do. 

If you are experiencing guilt or regret from your actions, or you’re doing the shoulda shuffle or feel overwhelmed, it’s not from the fact you have your trees or decorations up or down. It is, however, because you have a thought about decorations being up or down.  See it probably looks something like this. I didn’t put up my tree this year, I just didn’t have it in me. It reminds me that my loved ones not here. It makes me so sad.  See SAD is coming because you have a thought of it reminds me that my loved one isn’t here, not the fact you have decorations or not. I want to encourage you to not judge yourself, don’t use thoughts as weapons against yourself. 

Let’s look at the decision not to decorate or put a tree up.  What’s wrong with that decision?  Why didn’t you do it? Is it depressing you to not have them up? Are you feeling guilt or regret that you didn’t? If so, why?  If it's because you now miss them then decorate. But, do it for the reason you choose. It’s all good.  Or maybe you're feeling like -out of obligation-you should.  I'll caution you, that obligation can lead to resentment. 

Let’s say you did decorate because you did the “shoulda shuffle” or let others who said you should influence you and now you regret that you did.  It’s ok to take them down, really it is. 

Mine are up and I’m happy. I have clients who chose not to put them up and are 100% happy with their decision.  I have clients who put them up and are upset that they did, while other clients didn't put them up and feel guilty.  See there is no right or wrong. The only right way is what feels right for you and that you LIKE your reasons, period.   You decide what you want. You have your own back and honor you. No judgement, no resentment allowed. If you change your mind either way later, that’s 100% perfect. 

Whatever you decide, be sure you like your reasons and that they are your reasons. 

That’s it for today. Come back tomorrow when we discuss Holiday Drama. You won’t want to miss this. 

In the meantime, please share this with anyone you think it may help. If you want to know more about minding your thoughts during holidays or in any area of grief you can find me at my website pamstoddard.com. Be sure to sign up for your free mini session now. 

You can also find me on facebook at as Pam Stoddard Life Coach or be sure to join my facebook group 

Women Choosing Joy after Grief and Loss. 

I look forward to seeing you there!

P.S. I can help you.